October 19, 2015

late night thoughts

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” - Henry David Thoreau

I think most people in this world are familiar with feeling lost every now and then. If you're not, then you are part of that lucky tiny group of people who have their shit figured out. I most definitely am not one of those people and this feeling probably hits me more often than it does most people. Today has been one of those days when it has hit me and it hit me hard.
Writing has always helped me get through difficult things and for the first time in a long time I took out my laptop and started writing in hope to clear my crowded mind and to get some sleep at some point of the night. This day went by extremely fast and all I did was lay in bed. I've watched multiple movies today but if someone asked me to name even one of those now, I couldn't do it since I haven't payed attention to any of them. I've been stuck in my head all day and when dinner time came I was very confused because I hadn't looked at the time and I was sure it was the afternoon. And suddenly it was 11 pm and I hadn't accomplished anything all day. So I went for a walk. And walked. And walked. Until it was suddenly past 1 am and I then realized that I was freezing and couldn't feel my toes or fingers and walked back home. These days are the worst.
If someone asked me what the problem was I couldn't give them a simple answer. Nothing was really wrong, I just feel lost. I'm currently in Finland and so much has happened this summer/fall and I haven't given myself a chance to really process any of it properly and I guess that's what hit me today. I quit my job and had to move out from my favorite place in the entire world. All my life I've been moving around and had never really felt at home even though I've had many houses, many rooms and many hometowns. Living in my own apartment where I provided for myself and where I payed all the bills myself and worked hard to be able to do so changed all of that for me. Even though I knew it wasn't a permanent place for me to live, I never really thought about moving out of there and even though I knew the day I was going to move out for a long time, when the day actually came it took me by surprise and I still haven't accepted the fact that I will never be able to go back to that place again.
I haven't been working for almost 3 months now and I'm still not used to not having any set plans for each day or not having to set an alarm every morning or having an actual purpose to get out of bed. Days just fly past me and my bank account balance keeps getting smaller since I have no income currently. But I can't see myself staying in Finland now and getting another job here either.
I've lived in Finland for 11 years now. I'm 20. This is the first year that I can say that I've lived in Finland for more than half of my life, because before 2015 it has always been the other way around. It still feels like I've only lived here for a few years, and realizing that it's been 11 freaks me out. Where did those years go? Staying in one place for too long feels toxic to me because I feel stuck and the urge to get away never leaves.
Everyone has really high expectations for me and I know that I will never be able to exceed those expectations and I don't only feel like I'm letting everyone else down but also myself. Being a people pleaser really sucks sometimes. I care way too much about what others think of me and I don't want to disappoint anyone and it's hard convincing myself that it's impossible to please everyone. And I'm terrified of failure. Most of my friends are currently getting an education and are soon graduating from universities and I still have no idea of a direction for my future. What do I see myself studying? Where do I see myself studying? Where do I see myself in 10 years? In 5 years? Even next year? I have no fucking idea.
If you've read my blog for a longer period of time you've probably seen these kinds of rants on a regular basis, but I don't think I've ever gone into this much depth while talking about these things. I'm tired of continuously feeling like this and the innumerous conversations I've had with people about my non-existing plans for my future.
I want to wake up one morning and know exactly what I want to do. I want to wake up each morning with a purpose and jump out of bed and go fulfil my dreams. I want to find a passion that keeps me up at night and doesn't let me sleep in each morning because of the excitement it gives me. I want to feel like a child waking up on their birthday or on Christmas morning everyday of my life. But how do I get to that point? That's the problem. If you asked me what I wanted from life, that would be my answer. But my path to that is still unknown and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find my way and it's extremely frustrating and exhausting. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and still be stuck trying to figure out what it is that I'm passionate about. I need answers. And I want them now. Is that too much to ask for?

Any life advice is currently more than welcome haha. If you know what you want to do in the future, please answer this question: How on earth did you figure that out?

6 comments:

  1. Kokeile vaan eri asioita ja tarkkaile vähän että mistä nautit nii ehkä siitä jotenkin kehittyy ura :) Näin mä ainakin yritän tehdä!

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  2. Apua siis tää postaus on ihan kun suoraan mun pään sisältä! Varsinkin toi vika kappale, tuntuu että oisin ite kirjottanut sen kun noi täysin samat ajatukset pyörii mun mielessä..:D Ite oon 19 ja piän just välivuotta koska mulla ei ollut mitään hajua minne haluan lukion jälkeen opiskelemaan eikä oo kyllä edelleenkään.. Se ahistaa ja ärsyttää ihan törkeesti ja tuntuu että ei pysty nauttimaan tästä hetkestä kun koko ajan miettii ja pohtii että mitä haluaa elämältä. Mutta tiiän että tuun vielä löytämään sen oman juttuni ja oon 100% varma että niin tuut säkin! Nuoria tässä vielä ollaan ja ihan elämän alussa hahah! Sori tästä kommentista ei ollut sulle mitään apua mutta oli pakko tulla avautumaan kun noin samanlaisia ajatuksia mielessäs pyörittelet :) xx

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    1. Haha ihanaa että laitoit kommenttii! Helpottaa oloo vähän kun tietää ettei oo ainut joka näitä asioita miettii, vaikka eihän se oo kiva että kenestäkää tuntuu tältä. Toivottavasti löydetää kummatki meijän tiet pian :)

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  3. I like how real this post is. Since it is from a few months back, there's a chance you've been able to figure out more, and if so, congrats! If not, I just want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a while to decide. Some people do the opposite and go through life on a path they don't like; you've got enough of a backbone to say you won't have that. And if you're afraid to fail, that's okay. Some things in life need a jump. Like, there's no small step to skydiving, or you can't halfway jump into the water.

    Love from the USA

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    1. Thank you so much!! This comment just made my day :) I've made plans for the next 6 months of my life but after that I'll probably be at the same point as I was at all fall. But who knows, maybe these plans I have now will lead me to something :)

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